"I'VE never liked to see the word 'booze' on shops," said the man at the bar. "Somehow it doesn't appeal to me when I want a cheeky little Merlot."
I agreed. When you see a shop that advertises "cheap booze and fags", you know immediately that you are most unlikely to pick up a case of Château Petrus 1982 and a box of Balkan Sobranies Black Russian. Mind you, I saw in Tesco that John West is now doing caviar, so there is yet hope for us working class with aspirations.
Alas, the man didn't seem interested in cut-price caviar – it probably isn't Iranian beluga, anyway – and had moved on to the dwindling use of some words in the English language: "There was a word that an old uncle of mine used to use – 'Twerp'.
"It's much less offensive than many of the four-letter words that are used for everything today. It needs reviving."
Again, my companion was right. I like "twerp" – "a silly, weak-minded, or insignificant person," according to my dictionary. A quick Google on a handy iPad revealed that its origin is apparently unknown, but it was first used in 1923. Perhaps by Bertie Wooster? It has, to my ear, a Wodehousian ring.
I was going to express my regret that the words "nincompoop" and "poltroon" are also no longer in common usage, but the man moved on again, this time to social media: "What would we do without Facebook and Twitter? I've just been hit by the realisation that there might be a parallel civilisation that actually values the thoughts of someone who was once glimpsed on TOWIE. And don't even get me started on celebrity tattooists."
This is clearly an age thing, and who can blame us? "I've never had a tattoo," I said, "and I've never seen TOWIE. I wish they'd bring back Bonanza, though. I liked a good western."
"Funny you should say that," said the man. "My grandson has riding lessons. I made a stupid grandfather-type comment about whether he could jump out of a saloon window on to the back of a horse, and he gave me that strange blank look. I eventually realised that cowboy films and TV series are no longer shown.
"When we were kids, much of our play – and even our values – was derived from watching westerns. We developed a sort of moral code from them. Baddies – you knew right away who they were; they wore black hats – always got caught, crime didn't pay."
It is a fact that impressions can be set by what someone is wearing. Back in the 1980s I was covering a football match at Rotherham. That lunchtime, wanting a pint and a cheese sandwich to wile away some time before kick-off, I wandered into a rough looking pub near the Millmoor ground. The landlady came from behind the bar and ushered me to a table. The chap at the next table noticed my look of surprise because this didn't appear to be an establishment that offered waitress service. "It's OK, mate," he said. "You're wearing a tie. She thinks you're a copper."
I said I was from the council, and left it at that. Funnily enough, that pub sold cheap booze, too.
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