I'VE come out as an Englishman!
"Mum, Dad, I've got something to tell you."
"What is it, son?"
"I think, I think I, I think I might be... English!
"What!"
"I know, I'm so sorry, I've tried to hide it for so long, but after the Scottish Referendum I just felt I couldn't keep it in any longer. I'm English and I'm proud!"
"You absolute disgrace! What have we taught you about tolerance and loving everyone, accepting everyone's different. No-one is English!"
"I know, Dad, you must be revolted at me. At first I thought I might be just English-curious, just a phase I was going through, but no, when I saw all those Scottish Pride marches and the flags, the dancing and the hope, I just realised that I was born English, and I had to live like an Englishman"
"You do know you can get aversion therapy? Have you tried The Guardian, Radio 4, The Labour Party?"
"Yes, Mum, but I can't help it. I just find the St George flag more attractive than the Union flag."
Mum (with head in her hands) : "Is that why I found the Daily Mail under your bed?"
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't tell me you've been hanging around English pubs, with working-class people."
"They understand me. They believe in English rights like the freedom of English people to come together and pass laws and things."
"The perverts! Doesn't that mean you're one of those racists?
"No, Mum, I still love everyone, but I can't deny my nationality. I just want to live openly in the community as an Englishman."
"Stop it! If you want to ruin your life it's up to you, but don't be bringing any of your English friends around here, they won't be welcome. Oh where did we go wrong?"
"It's okay, Mum (standing and looking into the middle distance). One day I believe all Englishmen will be able to celebrate their Englishness, without fear of ridicule and damnation. When Englishmen will enjoy the same rights as other nations. I'm English and I'm proud – I am what I am."
Curtain.
Ken Davies
Littleover
